Aaron’s brain tumor came back.
That wasn’t supposed to happen, even if it was statistically probable.
What was supposed to happen was wrapping up his oral chemo in July, throwing a giant party, burning his hospital bracelets and deleting this blog from the Internet and this whole ordeal from our memories.
But it came back. Just as a blip on his November MRI, a “spot to watch” but not panic over, a blip so small I mentally dismissed it as a smudge on his doctor’s computer screen (they don’t have retina displays so it’s entirely likely).
It wasn’t, of course, and after his next MRI on the 21st of December, we were shuffled into a different room to meet with the oncologist and the brain surgeon and agree on a plan of action: brain surgery right after the holidays and a more aggressive form of chemotherapy whose description made both of our stomachs turn.
You know you work in advertising when you assume that “post-holiday” means sometime in January, and you know your brain surgeon is a serious dude when he literally means the day after Christmas. As in, as soon as he’s done eating dinner with his family, he’s going to bed and waking up to crack your skull open before the sun rises.
His brain tumor wasn’t supposed to come back, but it did.
But then, this whole thing wasn’t supposed to last past our second date.
A baby wasn’t supposed to be statistically possible.
Aaron wasn’t supposed to run a 5k less than a week after brain surgery (seriously, I don’t think that was medically advisable but it happened and he had a really good time).
The universe doesn’t care about what is or isn’t supposed to happen, and I realize more each day that we shouldn’t either.
As I write this, our impossible baby is sleeping upstairs. My impossible husband is regaling me with tales from his weekly soccer game. Our stupid dog is asleep on the floor. The first scents of summer are riding on the breeze through our living room.
I don’t know which combination of events led me right to this moment, I just know that there’s no amount of woulds, coulds or shoulds that can change what is.